


The Completely True Story of Buffy, the Slayer of the Vampyres

by St_Salieri



Category: Angel: the Series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Crack, Embedded Images, Humor, Multi, Post-Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-06-22
Updated: 2006-06-22
Packaged: 2017-11-25 06:53:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/636269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/St_Salieri/pseuds/St_Salieri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Andrew is still the storyteller, this time with a wider audience.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Completely True Story of Buffy, the Slayer of the Vampyres

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [](http://stoney321.livejournal.com/profile)[**stoney321**](http://stoney321.livejournal.com/)'s [Gud Summries ficathon](http://stoney321.livejournal.com/153474.html). The challenge was to pick one of those summaries and write a new fic around it. Here was my summary, in all its grammar-killing glory: **Buffy's pregnant who's the father?** Given the summary, I hope you'll forgive me if I don't give extensive pairing info beyond general Buffy/Spike. :)

_as told by A.W._

 

First of all, I want to thank everyone who commented on my last entry, although frankly I can do without the skepticism and the sarcasm. Yes, jw64, I'm talking to you. You are clearly a man of limited experience when it comes to the realms of the supernatural. Now sit back, gentle readers, and allow me to relate to you the continuing amazing adventures of Buffy Summers, the Slayer of the Vampyres.

When last we left our heroine, she had participated in a campaign to close the Sunnydale Hellmouth and defeat the First Evil. Through the efforts of the hero Spike, as well as your humble narrator, Buffy completed her mission and, in the process, called a new generation of Slayers. After the Hellmouth was closed, your narrator, assisted by Rupert Giles, took upon himself the mission of resurrecting the Watcher's Council and finding and training these new Slayers.

During this year, a miraculous event occurred. Spike, who had sacrificed his life in closing the Hellmouth, was resurrected in Los Angeles. Despairing of ever being happily reunited with his love Buffy, he joined Angel and his team in a desperate struggle against that bastion of evil, Wolfram & Hart. A final showdown decimated this small group of heroes, leaving behind only Spike, Angel and the creature Illyria. The day was saved by a group of Slayers who arrived at the last minute and managed to beat back the creatures of hell.

After the battle, Buffy and Spike were reunited. The long-parted lovers were rewarded for their sacrifices and struggles, embarking on a new stage of their relationship.

It was to be a miraculous time of peace and prosperity, when the heavens would open and a new age would dawn upon the land. Unfortunately, it was not to be. Before another month had passed, the happy couple were faced with a new challenge. It is here where we begin our story....

 

  


**Here's the happy couple. Aren't they lovely? Spike is a god.**

Buffy's shriek rang throughout the top floor of the Watcher's Council, sending the rest of our group running into the quarters that she and Spike currently shared. The Vampyre Slayer and her heroic consort had recently taken up residence at the Council, assisting Angel in picking up the pieces of what was left of the Wolfram & Hart operation.

"What is it?" Spike panted. "What happened?" (I realize, jw64, that as a vampyre Spike strictly has no need to pant. It doesn't stop him from doing it anyway, which you'd know if you actually spent time with him.)

Before Buffy could answer, Spike froze in shock, as did the rest of us. For instead of the svelte creature who usually graced our presence, we instead beheld a Buffy who, seemingly overnight, had drastically changed.

"Buffy, you're...." Angel gasped like a fish for a moment, and Buffy's face hardened.

"If you say 'really fat', you're about to find out the meaning of the word pain," she growled, then turned to Spike with a pained expression. "I'm not fat, am I?" She frowned at Spike when he didn't answer her, instead staring at her rounded stomach. "Spike?"

"Buffy, you're..." Spike spluttered.

Angel rolled his eyes. "I said that already," he muttered.

"I think the word is pregnant," Dawn said slowly, tossing her glossy locks elegantly behind one thin shoulder. "Either that, or last night's takeout was cursed. And I wouldn't say no to that explanation. Buffy, what happened?"

Buffy dissolved into tears, her beautiful eyes shining in her pale face. "You think I know?" she asked miserably. "I just woke up like this!" She clasped one hand over her stomach, frowning slightly. "And I don't think it's the takeout."

"Why's that?" Dawn asked.

"Because it's kicking," Buffy said faintly.

"Ah, yes," I said, nodding sagely. Due to my elite training by the Watcher's Council, I have had experience with all manner of mystical events. "In my expert opinion, I believe we have a miraculous pregnancy on our hands." Buffy rolled her eyes. I think her impatience was probably due to her condition. One should always be patient with pregnant women, or so I've heard. Poor girl. I patted her hand soothingly, and she pulled away from me.

"You know, I've got some experience with mystical pregnancies too," Angel said sulkily. (To tell the truth, gentle reader, he does not always respect my training and abilities. Nevertheless, I try to rise above it.)

"Thank you, my good man," I said. Who am I, if not generous? "We can always use your help."

Dawn was trying her best not to laugh, and I'm not sure why. Instead, she wrapped one arm around her weeping sister and poked Spike a few times. "Huh. I think he's stuck."

"Guh," Spike said response. He hadn't yet moved from his original position.

"Snap out of it," Angel growled, grabbing Spike's arm and giving him a shake. "Let's take this to the library. We have work to do."

I nodded. Sometimes it's better to let Angel pretend that he's in charge. Things move more smoothly that way. "Indeed," I said. "It's time for some research."

By the time we reached the library, Giles had joined us. He looked shaken.

"Buffy," he said, taking her arms gently and looking her over. "Are you all right?" She nodded, still looking as pale as a ghost.

"We have everything under control," I assured him, but Giles ignored me. Sometimes he does that.

"How...?" he asked faintly, and Buffy shrugged and collapsed heavily into a chair.

"Woke up this way, don't know how it happened. I feel fine, except that my back hurts and I think I have to pee."

Giles looked vaguely ill, but he smiled gamely. "We'll get to the bottom of this," he promised, and Buffy gave him a shaky smile. From the other end of the room, Dawn let out a slight cough.

"You know, I hate to state the obvious, but...maybe we should be checking _him_ out too." She nodded her head toward Spike, who was staring dazedly at the table. "I mean, chances are he's half the problem."

Spike finally looked up at that. "Hey!"

Dawn winced. "Except not a problem! Totally not a problem."

Giles nodded slowly. "You have a point. There's also the possibility that Spike had nothing to do with this." He squared his shoulders and turned to Buffy, and I noticed that he was careful to stay just outside her reach. "Buffy, I hate to ask this, but could there possibly be anyone else who...?" He coughed delicately. "I'm sorry, but there's really no good way to ask this."

Buffy looked up at him, horrified. "No! How can you... _no_. A million times no. Not since Spike and I....How can you even ask that?"

"Damn straight," Spike interrupted. "You think I wouldn't know otherwise?"

"I don't mean to offend," Giles said, raising his arms in a placating gesture. "We just need to consider all of the possibilities. After all, it could be someone from your past, something that has only now, er, come to fruition. In a manner of speaking."

"Oh god," Buffy moaned, slumping down in her seat. "We are _not_ dredging up the pathetic history that is my love life."

"Not at all," Giles said soothingly. "Judging by your condition, I believe we only need to consider the last...well, nine months? That shouldn't be too terribly difficult, and in the meantime, perhaps Angel could accompany Andrew to the Prophecies Division to check on the..." he broke off as Angel shifted uncomfortably. "What?"

Angel twitched. "Huh? What? Nothing. This has nothing to do with me, because that would be crazy. Although not entirely without historical precedent." He muttered the last sentence so quietly that I think I was the only one who heard him. Giles frowned.

"Is there something you're not telling us?" he asked suspiciously. Buffy groaned and buried her face in her hands. "Buffy?"

"It's...look, it's nothing, okay?" she said defensively. "And by 'nothing', I mean none of your business. It has _nothing_ to do with what's going on with me right now, okay?" Giles raised his eyebrow, and Buffy wilted slightly but tightened her jaw. "I'm still holding fast to the 'none of your business' part."

"Oh my god." We all turned to look at Dawn, who was giving everyone in the room a disgusted look. "You cheated on Spike? With _him_?" Spike let out a slightly hysterical giggle, and Dawn rounded on him. "You knew?"

Spike glanced at Buffy and shrugged apologetically. "Sorry, love. Looks like the cat's out of the bag. It wasn't cheating, I'll have you know. Not really."

"It was a one-time thing," Angel interjected, and Spike nodded in agreement.

"With lots and lots of alcohol involved," Buffy added, blushing furiously. "It was right after the L.A. battle, and I hadn't seen them in so long, and I'd just found out that Spike was alive, and...things got confusing. And did I mention the alcohol?"

Giles had turned away and was pinching the bridge of his nose. Dawn was staring back and forth between Spike, Buffy and Angel, her mouth hanging open. What? I didn't get it.

"I don't get it," I said. Dawn rolled her eyes at me.

"Angel, Buffy and Spike," she said, as if that was explanation enough. It wasn't. "Together?" she said, waving her hand impatiently. "All at once? Do you watch _any_ porn at all?"

Oh. Oooooh.

"Great," Angel growled. "Now that everyone's caught up, could we please forget the subject entirely?"

"Gladly," Giles said faintly, but Spike smirked at Angel.

"Oh, come on," he said in a silky voice that gave me goosebumps. "You know you loved it. Are you saying you've forgotten everything?"

Angel clenched his jaw. "I remember lots of alcohol, and I remember Buffy. That's it."

"Huh," Spike said thoughtfully. "I remember a lot more than that. I remember plenty of, 'Oh, Spike, yes! More!' And I seem to remember hearing that from a rousing tenor as well as a soprano." He settled back smugly, crossing his arms across his chest.

Gentle readers, Spike is a _god_.

Buffy yelped and threw a book at him. "Sisters!" she hissed. "Sisters with big ears!"

"Oh, please," Dawn muttered. "I'm already scarred for life. What's one more thing to add to my therapy list?"

"If we could please move on?" Giles asked fairly desperately. Personally, I wouldn't have minded hearing more of the details, but it seemed I was the only one. "Regardless of the, er, actions of the parties involved, we should remember that both Spike and Angel are vampires. Vampires do _not_ have children."

"Almost never," Angel said, and everyone stared at him. He shifted uncomfortably. "Not that I know anything about that," he muttered. "Just a rumor I heard once. It's probably an urban legend."

Giles opened his mouth to speak, but at that moment the library doors were flung open and a large figure came striding into the room. He was tall, with broad shoulders and flowing dark hair. He exuded an air of mystery and intrigue, a sense of power tightly contained. He was a giant among men and monsters, a titan who straddled the line between good and evil. He was...the Immortal.

Spike and Angel looked at each other out of the corners of their eyes and groaned simultaneously. "Bloody perfect," Spike moaned, letting his head hit the table in front of him with a thump. The Immortal stopped and looked around the room curiously. His eyes widened as they settled on Buffy.

"Rupert," he said smoothly. "I have brought the diaries you were interested in. Have I come at a bad time?"

"Damn right you have!" Spike said, exploding out of his chair. "What in the hell did you do to my girl, you wanker?"

Dawn paled. "Was he...too?" she squeaked.

Buffy shook her head frantically. "No!" she hissed. "Not for months."

The Immortal regarded Spike coolly. "I have never fathered a child, vampire," he said calmly. "It is impossible." He frowned slightly, and his face grew thoughtful. "Of course, I have never attempted to mate with a Slayer...."

"That's it," Spike growled, fire in his eyes. He started towards the Immortal, but Angel held him back. The two of them began scuffling with each other until Buffy interrupted them with a groan of discomfort. Spike immediately rushed to her side, and Giles hovered over her protectively.

"Buffy, I'm so sorry," he apologized. "The research can wait. We should get you to the doctor immediately." Spike nodded in agreement, clutching Buffy's fingers with one hand and rubbing her back with the other. She glanced at him gratefully, allowing herself to be pulled to her feet and wobbling slightly to maintain her balance.

"I think I've gotten even bigger," she groaned. "Doctor now, arguing later, okay?"

"Good idea," Angel said. He swung around and pointed a finger at the Immortal. "You," he growled. "You're sticking with us until we figure this out." The Immortal shrugged and nodded, and Dawn rushed forward to support Buffy as Spike retrieved a knife he'd left on the table.

"You're leaving."

Illyria had appeared in the doorway and was studying the proceedings with a critical eye. Illyria is an Old One, gentle readers, the transformed remains of an ancient god from the time before humans walked the Earth. Ever since the Battle of Los Angeles she had taken to haunting the buildings of the Watcher's Council, suddenly disappearing for days at a time and reappearing just as suddenly. No one knew where she went or what she did, and I think that everyone was too afraid to ask. Well, I was, at least. There's something very scary about her.

"That we are," Spike said. "We've had a bit of an uproar here this morning."

Illyria cocked an eyebrow at Buffy waddling out of the door, supported on either side by Giles and Dawn. "I do not care for your pathetic human crises," she said coolly.

"Of course not," Spike said evenly, not batting an eye. "So you want to come with us?"

Illyria regarded him without blinking. "I call cannon," she said, then turned and walked out the door after Buffy.

"Can't just be a shotgun, that one," Spike muttered. "Always a drama queen." He then sped out the door followed closely by Angel. Knowing they would need my expertise, I rushed after them.

 

  


**Our heroine in her altered condition, along with Spike, Angel and Illyria.  
The other person is supposed to be the Immortal, but I couldn't find any pictures of him when I snuck into Buffy's room, and I had to use a picture of an old boyfriend of hers. It was either that or try to draw him.**

The Council's doctor met us at the hospital and quickly escorted all of us into a private room. "Try not to worry," he said briskly, helping Buffy to a bed and reaching for the ultrasound machine. "I have extensive experience with mystical pregnancies." Grabbing a bottle of some kind of gel, he started to lift the edge of Buffy's dress. I tried to see what was happening, but Spike growled at me and I had to look away. "How are you feeling?" the doctor asked. "Aching back? Sore feet? Tender breasts?" Spike growled again, and the doctor flinched, casting Giles a nervous glance. Angel rolled his eyes, taking Spike by the arm and firmly escorting him to the opposite side of the bed from the doctor.

"Go ahead," Giles said, and the doctor felt Buffy's stomach gently.

"Well, from the size alone and how you are carrying the weight, I would estimate that you're close to term," he said. "Of course, I will have to perform an internal exam to make sure of the...." He broke off, noticing that Spike was giving him the hairy eyeball. "Perhaps later," he said lamely, "after the ultrasound."

"Yeah, that's probably best," Dawn agreed. "You'd better warn me before you start doing anything gross."

At Giles's nod, the doctor obediently applied the gel to Buffy's stomach and switched on the machine. "Let's see," he mused, holding the wand to her abdomen. "This should tell us what we're dealing with." He nodded in satisfaction as the first shadowy shapes appeared, and everyone crowded around him to watch the screen.

"Hey, move!" Buffy ordered, giving Angel a kick. "I need to see." The crowd shuffled aside a little bit to give her a clear view, and she frowned. "What is that?"

"That?" the doctor pointed. "That's the head. A bit larger than normal, and the shape...." He frowned and squinted at the screen.

"Shape? What shape?" Buffy asked.

"Nothing to worry about," the doctor said briskly. "It's probably just the angle we're looking at it." He moved the wand around, and the picture shifted. It still just looked like a big grey blob to me, but the doctor nodded again. "This would be an arm," he mused, shifting the position of the wand.

"So what's my baby?" Spike asked. "A girl?"

Angel raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean, yours?" He turned to the doctor. "Is it a boy?"

"Uh, guys?" Dawn was staring at the screen. "How many arms does this thing have?"

The grey blobby shape on the screen was wiggling, and I could make out the arm the doctor had seen. And then I could see another...and another...and another. "That's no moon," I breathed. "It's a space station." Everyone glared at me. Why doesn't anyone understand me?

"I don't think those are arms," the doctor said slowly "I believe they are..."

"Tentacles."

Illyria was looking at Buffy with renewed fascination. "They're tentacles," she repeated, and Giles frowned.

"Illyria?" he asked. "Do you know something about this?"

"Yes," she said calmly. "The child is mine."

You know, I've never really understood what people say about fainting. I mean, they talk about getting cold, and tunnel vision, and it all sounds kind of fake. I figured you'd just sort of fall asleep. Well, I can state for a fact that the tunnel vision part is definitely true. When I opened my eyes again I was on the floor, and Dawn had shoved her jacket under my head. Illyria had been backed against the door, Angel on one side of her and the Immortal on the other. Spike was supporting Buffy, who was hyperventilating and looked whiter than I'd ever seen her.

"I didn't...with _her_ ," Buffy gasped, shaking. "What did you do to me?"

"Answer her question," Giles said dangerously.

Illyria cast him a contemptuous glance, then shrugged and closed her eyes. Her form rippled and shifted, and she grew slightly taller and broader. Her body suit disappeared and was replaced by a long leather coat, her hair shortening and becoming lighter.

"Oh my god," Dawn said. " _Spike_?"

And it _was_ Spike, right down to the last detail. The room was absolutely quiet, everyone frozen in stunned disbelief. Illyria-Spike raised her eyebrow. "It is a simple matter to change my shape," she said calmly. She? He? Whatever. It sounded exactly like Spike, which gave me the chills.

"Why?" Buffy whispered, holding tightly to her own Spike's hand.

Illyria shrugged again. "I was curious about human mating rituals," she admitted. "You have been the object of obsession for both half-breeds. I wanted to understand the fascination." Sniffing disdainfully, she rippled back to her regular Illyria-shape again. "I was...unimpressed."

"Oh god," Buffy whimpered. She looked like she was going to be sick. "How did you...how could I not know?"

"Yeah, that's what I'd like to know," Spike muttered. Buffy smacked him on the arm, and he yelped.

"I thought it was you, you moron!" she hissed. "Don't you dare blame me for this."

"Yeah," Angel said, folding his arms. "Nice priorities, Spike. You think you could be a little more selfish about...."

"Excuse me," the Immortal interrupted. "Did you intend for the creature to leave?" Everyone turned back to the door and saw that Illyria had disappeared.

"No worries," Spike said with a murderous gleam in his eye, grabbing his knife. "It's time for Old Blue and me to have a little talk."

 

**********

"Andrew? Andrew! I know you're in here, so you may as well stop hiding."

"Uh, hi Buffy! Is there something I can do for you?"

"Yeah, you can tell me exactly what you were doing on my computer before I have to punch it out of you."

"Nothing! I mean, I was just looking up some important information that Giles asked me to search for. Why don't I just close this window and let you...Ouch! My wrist!"

"Yeah, right. What is this? This isn't research. _The Completely True Story of..._ "

"Um, I can explain."

"Oh."

"Buffy?"

"My. _God_."

"Buffy? I don't think that shade of red is healthy. Maybe your blood pressure..."

"You wrote this? About me?"

"The creative process is a beautiful thing! I have to go where my muse...ouch! Maybe if you loosen your grip a bit...Look, I think you're interrogating the text from the wrong perspective."

"The wrong perspective, Andrew? You made me a complete slut! And you gave me...what is that, some kind of octopus baby? What exactly is the matter with you? No, wait, don't answer that. No more excuses. I just want to hear how badly it hurts when I dislocate every single one of your fingers."

"But it's supposed to be a love story! It's all about the beautiful relationship between you and Spike, and how your love overcomes all obstacles! And...ouch! Oh god, please not the fingers."

"And those pictures! What, did Giles teach you how to draw too? Those had better not have been my pictures you cut up and scanned!"

"Ah, see, my version of Photoshop is, uh, kind of pirated, and I don't have all of the options available to...ow again!"

"Fine. One chance, Andrew. _One_. Take it down. If I find out you're publishing any more fake stories about me online, I'll start pulling. And I won't stop at the fingers. Get it?"

"Got it."

"Good."

 

**********

My time among you has come to a close, gentle readers, but only for the present. Let us skip ahead to the future, a happy future where the love between the Slayer and the Vampyre carried them through all of their trials. Swearing eternal vengeance against Illyria, they lived their lives in peace and happiness as a family. Your humble narrator became the godfather of their child after I slew Illyira, and I was honored to accept the offer.

I will leave you now, but I hope that my story was able to entertain you, move you, or perhaps even inspire you. I shall return later to bring you more adventures of Buffy Summers, the Slayer of the Vampyres.

 

  


**The happy family: Buffy, Spike and octo-baby Andrew. (Yes, they named him after me.)**

 

**The End...for now**


End file.
